I can text with my tongue
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
