Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
