i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
