apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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