Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize