My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
