me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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