Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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