just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
