Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
