I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
