i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
