i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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