so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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