like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
