I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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