my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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