In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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