FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
