No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
