my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
