So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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