you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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