It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
