oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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