i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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