I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
