I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
