i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
