I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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