I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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