am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
