my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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