saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
