I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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