I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
