sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
