Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
