my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
