woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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