Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
