JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize