My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
