I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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