"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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