just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
