I want to stick my p in your. b.
it hurts more in the daytime
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
