drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
