Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
