Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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