There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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