I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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