i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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