apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
