It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
