i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Randomize
