i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
